About John Dawe

John Dawe, MNA, CNP, is a professional writer, digital content creator/manager with more than 20 years of experience working with community-centered nonprofit organizations. He holds a Masters Degree in Nonprofit Administration and is currently completing his Recovery Coach Professional (RCP) designation and is working on his NCPRSS credential. His story appears below.

My Story

For nearly 20 years, I was a community leader and nonprofit executive. I served as Interim Chief Professional Officer for a large economic development organization, on boards and committees for 30,000+ member international association, and chief lobbyist and interim CEO a large statewide civil rights organization. But behind closed doors, I had a serious problem

Rock Bottom
On Thursday, April 8, 2021 I was awakened at 7 a.m. by a dozen police crashing into my bedroom. I had engaged in an illicit conversation with a police detective posing as a 15 year old. I knew in that instant that I had hit a tipping point — I no longer wanted to lead a double life. By day, I was a successful executive, secretly fueling a worsening sex and love addiction.

As the detectives were interrogating me, I knew I had hit rock bottom and had nothing to lose, so I came clean about other destructive choices I made. I was arrested, jailed, and would spend the next thirteen months behind bars.

Like so many others who are arrested, I quickly convinced myself I didn’t need to atone for my actions, I could outsmart them! I could find an expert witness, hire a top-notch attorney, blame the COVID-19 pandemic. Whatever they could throw at me, I could manipulate the situation.  We addicts are master manipulators!

I would later learn what Dr. Patrick Carnes, addiction and recovery expert said – “Addicts truly believe their behaviors and actions are normal.  They commune with other addictions to further normalize their behaviors.”

Taking First Steps in a Jail Cell
After a week in COVID-19 quarantine, I relocated to the sex offender block where I met my cellmate. Tom and I got along well enough for what I was still convinced would be a short stay – one week max. One week turned into two, and then a month.

As the months passed, we began to have conversations about what led us to this rock bottom point in our lives – except Tom was not at rock bottom. He was on a journey to rebuild his life, yet he had only been in jail a few weeks longer than I had, and I wondered how this was possible.

After his arrest, while out on bail, his attorney referred him to Keystone Center Extended Care Unit – a 16-bed residential inpatient treatment facility near Philadelphia for the treatment of compulsive sexual behaviors. He had begun his journey by facing his demons and learning to move forward one day a time, living in recovery instead of isolation. I didn’t know how this was possible, but I knew I wanted the serenity that he had.

He helped me start my recovery journey in that jail cell and helped me get in contact with Keystone Center. I worked with my attorney to petition the courts to allow me to be furloughed to attend the six-week program.  The judge was familiar with the program and, although I’m told he ‘almost never’ had allowed such a furlough before, he decided to say yes. His compassion and believe in treatment programs allowed me to dig in to recovery hardcore.

Furlough to Keystone

My experience at Keystone was eye opening and transformative. I was able to uncover and speak out loud, for the first time, decades of trauma and abuse that I experienced as early as age 12. The treatment professionals there taught me how those experience created a cycle of abuse in which the victim became a perpetrator. 

A big part of this journey was understanding that I had to forgive those who had caused me trauma. I learned that it is likely they also experienced something similar.

The experience also helped me come to terms with the fact that, although I was conditioned as a child for the offending and deviant things I did, I did them.  I learned to accept full responsibility for the destructive decisions and poor choices I made. I have faced life and legal consequences as a result.  I learned to be honest with myself and others about the past and in the present — no longer hiding in the shadows.  Hundreds of hours of therapy, twelve step meetings, and telling your story openly and honestly will do that for you.

I also learned that, while making amends with those I directly harmed is not possible (Step 9 of recovery states, “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”) I can make indirect amends by living a life that puts other people’s well-being first and giving back in service.

Bottom Line: We may have done bad things but we are NOT bad people.  A big part of recovery is shame reduction.  I regret what I did, but I can’t go back and change the past — I can live one day at a time in recovery and work to never offend or hurt others again.  That’s what I set to do when I returned from Keystone to jail.   

The serenity prayer teaches us there are things we cannot change and things we can.  When I returned from Keystone to the jail, many people told me I had changed and was a different person – my family, other inmates… even the correctional officers.   This brought me so much hope, and sometimes hope is the only thing that gets us through the day.

Back at the Prison
When I returned to jail from Keystone, I applied for and became an inmate trustee, working 40-50-hours each week on the sex offender block. I helped my fellow inmates navigate the prison’s systems, ensure they were healthy, served as a bridge between them and the prison staff, and helped them move from coping to hoping. I gave out stories from the recovery basic texts and talked to them about their journey. I even taught myself Spanish (using Easy Spanish Step by Step) to better communicate with the Hispanic/Latino inmates who spoke very little English. I worked with a counselor I met at Keystone named Melissa Killeen, author of Recovery Coaching: A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions (Second Edition) to refine my skills in coaching others through their recovery journey, as my cellmate T. had done for me… (whether or not he realizes it)

Founding Recovery Behind Bars
I found that the restrictions of jail didn’t allow me to participate in 12 step meetings, therapy, etc. so I took a variety of different approaches to maintain my focus on recovery. This website provides those techniques, ideas, and resources.  It is my wish that my experiences will help you and your loved ones find a new sense of peace, grace, and hope.

Finally, a few style and ‘disclaimer’-ish points:

  • My story involves primarily a process addiction and this site come from that perspective, but I have tried to ensure all areas of the site are transferrable to general recovery from alcohol, other drugs, process addictions, and/or trauma-recovery.
  • I am personally involved in several twelve-step fellowships including Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. My writing will be informed by those fellowships but, per the 12th Tradition, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.  I choose to write and speak publicly (see next point), but fully and completely respect the anonymity of anyone seeking help.
  • I cannot improve on the words my recovery coach Melissa Killeen, author of Recovery Coaching: A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions writes, so I share them here:
    “Many of my readers may be astonished or offended by my lack of anonymity about my 12-step involvement, for that I do not apologize.  As the 2013 documentary, “The Anonymous People” states there are 23 million people in long-term recovery.  I am one of them.  I believe that my voice, as well as the voice of all the people in long-term recovery (more than four times the membership of the N.R.A. and almost as large as the AARP membership), should be heard. I believe if all of the Anonymous People join forces to lobby the Federal and State governments towards increasing the funding of addiction treatment programs, half-way houses, drug courts, programs for recovering mothers as well as training programs for recovery coaches we will be doing our 12th step service.  My selection to not be anonymous is to join these voices calling for more adequate funding of recovery resources.  I am in recovery and I vote.  We are 23-million strong and we vote.”
  • If you are an ex-con or family member of a currently or formerly incarcerated person, and interested in contributing your story or resources to this site, etc. please contact me.
  • Finally, the resources here are provided free of charge as part of my 12th Step Service.  The pages may link to materials for purchase and I may receive an affiliate commission from your purchase. Should you wish to make a donation to support the ongoing maintenance and development of this site you can use this link.